


Go ahead now, I won't mind.

by Pwyllxiety



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana [mentioned], Asexual Jared Kleinman, Broken Bones, Child Abuse, Connor [mentioned], Depression, Gay Jared Kleinman, Hospitals, Jared Kleinman Angst, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Jared Kleinman Needs Love, Jared Kleinman is a 3d character and not a random side character to Evan's scheming, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, Zoe [mentioned], jared-centric, well kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 07:30:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19224505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pwyllxiety/pseuds/Pwyllxiety
Summary: Jared Kleinman was an average teenage boy- well on the surface level anyway, he seemed sexually frustrated out of his mind and took every opportunity to crack a dirty joke- normally at the expense of his “friend” Evan. When you got into it however, Jared Kleinman is far deeper than he’s cracked up to be because he’s just that good at hiding it.





	Go ahead now, I won't mind.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back on that bullshit, and by bullshit, I mean abusing Jared Kleinman for internet clout- because why would I do anything else.
> 
> It's been precisely 544 days since I posted anything in the DEH fandom and precisely 3 days since I started writing this fic.

Jared Kleinman was an average teenage boy- well on the surface level anyway, he seemed sexually frustrated out of his mind and took every opportunity to crack a dirty joke- normally at the expense of his “friend” Evan. When you got into it however, Jared Kleinman is far deeper than he’s cracked up to be because he’s just that good at hiding it.

For one- he was as straight as a fucking circle and his burning crush on Connor Murphy was enough to prove that to himself- Jared’s parents were more than a little homophobic though- so he had resigned himself to a life in the closet and hoped whatever woman he ended up marrying wouldn’t be too offended if he wouldn’t like them.

Secondly- he _wasn’t_ sexually frustrated, he’d been so worried that he was a late bloomer- or that being gay meant though he loved boys, but he wouldn’t sleep with them, so Jared being Jared did a load of panicked googling- and that’s where he found his second conclusion- romantic and sexual attraction were completely different, and that he like many others was asexual- he was confused, and he hated himself- not only was he not straight but he didn’t even want to sleep with anybody, he was useless to his parents, useless to the human race, he was useless to himself.

Thirdly- he didn’t know how to handle his crush on Connor, he was so afraid of his own sexuality, he was so afraid of Connor’s reaction, he’s been scared for a long time and he doesn’t think it’ll ever stop. So, he becomes a bully, he bullies his crush, and ignores his only friends in the desperate hope that it’ll show off his toxicity- drive them all away in the hopes that the loneliness it provides will stop him coming out, if nobody knows and he pretends he’s straight it’ll go away. He flirts mercilessly with every girl he sees, except Alana because of the no contact with friends filter- so she gets a pass on the smutty comments that leave his mouth dry and his throat burning.

He likes pain, maybe a little too much- and again, not in a kinky way. He just doesn’t want to feel numb anymore and it just so happens that the easiest thing to feel is pain. It started with soft scratches that became more feverish with time- and then more deliberate. He’d switched to a blade at some point and the feeling of pain felt amazing, watching the blood bubble to the surface bought a rush of endorphins and he felt more alive than ever.  
He started wearing long sleeves ever since.

He always feels horrible and depressed- he’s wrecked his social life beyond belief and his home life isn’t much better, his parents haven’t caught on to anything, but that doesn’t stop them being assholes- and he often gets caught in the crossfire of their arguing- his mother verbally assaults him, her words are aimed at his father, but she says them to Jared so he doesn’t get physical.

It doesn’t stop his father getting physical though- well, it stops him punching his wife, but that son of his is free game. It becomes a regular occurrence, his dad had been hurting him every day for the last three months, and that’s why Jared doesn’t go to school on Monday, he’s still recovering from the pure hell his father put him through on Sunday night. He isn’t sure whether his ribs are broken or just bruised as hell. But he doesn’t feel any better on Tuesday either, so he drives himself to the hospital- his ribs are burning, and the pain is so intense that he can barely make it to the reception desk. He’s gripping on to the wooden surface of the table so hard his knuckles have gone white.

The receptionist looks at him expectantly- like she needs his name, or to know what’s wrong.

“Kleinman, Jared Kleinman.” He huffed out slowly- she moved her hand in the universal sign meaning continue.

“I think my ribs are broken.” He wheezed, his lungs feel heavier than they’re meant to, he’s sure. Her mouth is moving but he can’t hear any words, the pain is pretty much insufferable by this point, and his peripheral vision is fading quickly.

The woman at the desk keeps talking, though her mouth is opening wider now, and he assumes she’s yelling. The room is getting darker and the floor is spinning. He’s ushered onto a gurney and pushed away before he can pass out and hit the tiled floor.

When he wakes up the doctor is eager to ask him questions- about his age, and his birth place. They’re going to contact his parents, but he knows it’ll be his dad at home- and suddenly he can’t stop talking.

He’s basically screaming at them to not phone his dad, bordering on hysteric- crying and yelling that his dad will do it again if he finds out he went to the hospital and then everything falls into place for Jared and the doctors, he’s never confronted it before but it’s painfully clear now- his dad is abusive. He’s the one being abused. He’s on the verge of a panic attack, though the broken ribs make it more painful than it normally is. 

It’s as if his whole life has been a brutal symphony leading up to this sickening crescendo- he’s sick, he’s damaged, he’s broken, and god is he frightened. Because he’s here now, and everything finally makes sense, he’s homoromantic, he’s asexual, he’s in the closet, he’s abused, he’s depressed and he’s sick of living.

He’s so sick of the cards he’s been dealt and now here he is, having a panic attack, in a hospital, with broken ribs. Knowing the doctors heard him, knowing the doctors knew what he meant, knowing what they’d do to his parents.

He betrayed them, they were going to get arrested, it wasn’t that serious, it hadn’t been going on for that long. He was going to die- the moment his dad found out what happened he was going to beat him to death. No glamour, no choice, just pure torture to the very end.

The doctors call the police, Jared tries to shut himself down, tries not to answer- but then they ask about his mum and he vehemently denies that she has anything to do with the abuse- it’s just his dad. They tell him outright that he’ll be arrested- and now Jared is freaking out tenfold if he got his dad arrested his mum might be angry and if she gets too angry she might het physical too. He doesn’t want this endless loop of abuse to continue but regardless of his protests his father gets whisked away into custody. He’s kept in the hospital overnight and told that provided he doesn’t jostle them too much that his ribs should heal by themselves and with that he’s discharged with those words and a bottle of pain meds.

He’s driving now- he was meant to be driving home but now he isn’t so sure- he’s fucked everything up and he doesn’t think he can call it his house anymore; his mother had probably already heard what happened and wanted him gone as soon as possible. So instead he finds himself out that old orchard, and everything Evan Hansen told him came crawling back, the fall from the oak tree that changed Evan’s life. The fall from the oak tree that made Evan’s dreams of Zoe Murphy come true.

He’s climbing now- his ribs being bashed around in the most painful way possible he scrambles onto the highest branch he thinks he can manage before the pain in his ribs becomes too great. He sits there and checks his phone there’s no texts or calls from his mum, none from Evan or Alana, hell even Zoe.

He calls Evan- his hands are shaking and he’s crying heavy tears. Evan picks up on the third ring, he always does.

“Evan- I’m sorry.” He mumbles into the microphone.

“Jared?” He asks softly.

“I’m sorry I was an asshole- I’m sorry I ignored you- I don’t want us to end on bad terms.” He says clearly, not wanting there to be confusion.

Evan is concerned, he’s been there- that’s the tone of someone who’s about to do something they’ll regret.

“We aren’t ending on bad terms- b-because it isn’t f-fucking ending Jared. Whatever you’re going to do, d-don’t do it.” Evan says nervously, well more nervously than normal anyway.

Jared is shaking so badly even if he didn’t want to fall he was going to eventually.

“I’ll miss you.” He whispers.

“Jared.” Evan’s voice comes clear as day- the adrenaline speaking over the anxiety.

“Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you- you’re going to be okay and we’re going to help you work through whatever’s going on in that brain of yours.” Evan continues, he sounds exactly like his therapist he’s sure.

Jared doesn’t want to live, but he doesn’t want to die either.

“Life may seem hard but dying is no easier- I know you don’t want to die Jared, I didn’t want to die either; I regretted it the moment I hit the ground.” Evan admitted, and Jared felt awful.

“I’m in the orchard” he mumbled down the phone.

“Shit! Hold on I’ll come get you- and don’t you dare hang up on me.” Evan answered, the adrenaline still keeping his voice perfect and steady.

Evan doesn’t think he’s ever ran so quickly in his life- the trip that normally took him half an hour at least was cut down to fifteen, which was still ten minutes too long in his opinion. Jared had convinced himself to climb down in the time it took Evan to arrive and the moment Evan saw Jared the adrenaline began to wane.

Jared was still crying, large tears pooled in his eyes before dissipating down his cheeks.

“Jared- th-thank god.” Evan squeaked joining his friend on the floor.

Jared took a harsh breath which hurt his ribs considerably.

“I’m- Evan I’m gay.” He almost spat out, he hated the words that tumbled out of his mouth so much, they defined his very being and yet he was disgusted with himself.

Evan watched him.

“Jare, that’s absolutely fine.” He said.

“I- god, I don’t want to admit this anymore than I did five months ago.” He babbled.

“Take your time.” Evan replied soothingly.

“I have a crush- on Connor.” Jared finally admitted, and Evan looked at him, not voicing his shock, but it was clear on his face.

 Evan though it sounded kind of shallow, did Jared really want to kill himself because he had a crush on Connor?

The silence was uncomfortable, but the next words to leave Jared’s mouth were even worse.

“My dad abuses me.” He rushed out after a three- or four-minute pause. Evan’s face when white.

“Wh-What?” He whispered back. Evan is terrified, he left Jared for Zoe, and Jared had been hurting the whole time- Mr Kleinman was a family friend but Evan couldn’t hate the man more in that moment.

“It’s only him, not mum and it’s been going on for about three months.” Jared said with a shaky breath. Evan grabbed Jared’s wrist without thinking and Jared hissed in pain. Evan flinched back.

“S-sorry did I hit a bruise- I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’m sorry.” Evan stammered.

“You’re fine- just a little sore is all.” Jared assured him.

They were both broken, and maybe they could pick up the pieces- a friendship rekindled under the circumstance of pain but rekindled none the less.

Maybe things wouldn’t be as bad.


End file.
